Monday, January 8^th 2010

 

Attention all employees of StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies, inc.:

 

             As many of you know, at the fall company picnic, held towards the beginning of the football season, I made an ill-advised, but very public bet with new 12-year-old step-son, Ryan.  Now, pursuant to that bet, I must make the following announcement to all members of the company:

 I, Herbert P. Chanders, President of this fine organization and veteran orthopedic supply salesman of 22 years, am a dick face.  I must also inform you that I love to shit in my pants and eat it. I do it everyday.   Let it be known that I am little girl who wears little girl underwear and diapers (because of all the shitting.)  Furthermore, I am stupid.  Despite my Ivy League education, my brain is filled with turds because I TOTALLY LOVE to munch crap sandwiches.  I wouldn’t even know the difference between a Softform 11 Lumbar Support and a Bioform Back Support with Lumbar Stays if it hit me in the vagina that I have even though I am a man.  In fact, the only way I was able to make our company the leading clinical and commercial orthopedic product supplier in the greater Minneapolis region was by making a deal with a Genie in which I agreed to drink the Genie’s pee and let him do a bunch of gay stuff on me.  Please be aware that the Colts are the worst team on earth, and anyone who ever said that the New Orleans Saints could “never win the Superbowl” deserves to slurp rotten week-old farts from a dirty old Genie’s butthole and let the entire company look at his tiny boner.  The Saints are the best team ever.  They are much better than any stupid step-father who knows nothing about being a cool dad or running a stupid company.  GO SAINTS FOREVER!  Lastly, if you see me around the office, please kick me in my penis.

 

That said, I wish to make it clear that StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies does not in any way condone betting or gambling on sporting events, or any other event for that matter.  I trust that you will appreciate the confidentiality of this memo and permanently delete it from your inbox immediately.  With that behind us, I wish you all a productive sales week as we round out this quarter, and I look forward to discussing the details of the Medilab Solutions partnership with all of you at the next quarterly sales meeting in March.        

 

Best,

 

Herbert P. Chanders

President and CEO

StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies

715 South 8^th Street 

Minneapolis, MN 55404 

 

StepRight: Taking the right steps for your orthopedic health

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival (ft. Stupid Time Machine)

Dear friends, this Thursday the cast of Stupid Time Machine will be performing at La Nuit Theater as part of NOCAF 10′.  Since we made our announcement last week, we have been getting a substantial amount of mail from fans criticizing us and expressing outrage at our decision to affiliate ourselves with NOCAF.  These hateful letters and drawings sent to us have prompted us to make the following clarification:

We are part of NOCAF, which stands for New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival.  This is an annual festival held at La Nuit theater on Feb 27th-30th that pulls touring comics and names who have been on SNL, It’s Always Sunny in Philladelphia, the world of stand up, Harold and Kumar movies, and more.

We are NOT part of NO-CALF – the repressive organization campaigning to outlaw the exposure of any part of a womans leg above the ankle.  We believe that a woman should be free to wear what she wishes and expose whatever makes her feel comfortable.  If you come to La Nuit Theater this Wednesday through Saturday, we guarantee that you will not see any NO-CALF members, picket signs, nor will you be in any way asked to sign on to their rigid anti capri pants agenda:

What you will see:

- Our performance (Thursday night @ La Nuit in the 8-10 block) featuring the best of Love in the Time of Swine Flu, the show that rocked the New Orleans Fringe Festival to sell out crowds.

-HUGE comedy names, both national and local,  like Sean Patton, Leo Allen, James Adomian, Bill Chott, Jodi Borello, Dane Faucheaux, Studio8.net, and so many more talented folks from shows like Saturday Night Live, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the stand up world and more.

Peep the schedule here:

NOLAcomedy.com NOCAF page

Join the NOCAF Facebook page here:

NOCAF Facebook page

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

Stupid Time Machine has been hard at work in our comedy lab over the last month and a half.  The holidays are over and that means it’s time to get back to the grindstone.  We will have big announcements rolling out in the coming weeks.  Announcements that are worthy of the phrase uttered by the great sailor philosopher Popeye when he said, “well blow me down”. Not to be confused with erotic sailor philosopher Cockeye who exclaimed, “well blow me”.

Real life Popeye knows whats up

Stay tuned…..

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

Dear Stupid Time Machine, why do you hate the Red Cross so much?  Josh from Yonkers, NY

Dear Josh,we don’t just hate the Red Cross.  We like to think of the Red Cross as the bane of our existence.  Have you ever seen those people from the Red Cross?  They are always ringing their racist bells and trying to harass you to donate to their extremist cause.  Sorry, buddy, but if your cause is racism, than we are not interested.  It makes us sick.  And then you tell us that your God will bless us.  Bless us with what…..racism??? No thanks.

FOLLOW UP: We have since been informed that the Red Cross is an actual charity that indeed does a lot of good and is NOT racist.  For future reference, the Red Cross is not to be confused with the White Cross: southern brotherhood of arian believers.  The names sound similar. Our mistake. Red Cross, we owe you a lot of donations in exchange for the confused screams and punches that we delivered to your Santas in the name of racial equality.  Sorry.

We owe Red Cross Santa Clause an apology

Dear Stupid Time Machine, I’m in sales and business is rough.  How do I pull myself out of this rut and make some money? Kevin from Waco, TX

Dear Kevin, the most important thing to keep in mind is that you need to hustle.  You can’t wait for the sales to walk right up to you.  Here’s an example. We know a guy in sales named Randy. He is the biggest hustler of business that you will ever meet.  He is known around town as Johnny The Proactive Prostitute.  He doesn’t just go around looking for “parties”.  He creates the “parties” by offering “johns” quality deals.  Be creative with your sex sales.  Johnny offers many erotic “sales”, fellatio “coupons”, and something called stache “savers”.  We are not interested in his services, but we can say that he offers some really great deals. He is the epitome of sex trade capitalism.  So, sir, take a lesson from Johnny.  It doesn’t matter if it’s male prostitution, telemarketing, or male prostitution.  The point is that sales are sales.  It’s all about the hustle.

Johnny the Proactive Prostitute has a sharp mind for business and so should you.

Dear Stupid Time Machine,  Sarah Palin is all over TV with her book tour.  Do you think that she has a good shot to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012? Samantha from Portland, OR

Dear Samantha, we are so sick of the liberal media tearing her apart.  Listen up, America! We don’t want our president to be able to readily name the books that they’ve read.  What if her favorite books are R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps series?  Will there be a run on Goosebumps titles at bookstores and cause the entire nation to be left terrified? (Remember the one with the talking dummy?  Aaaagggghhhh! Also, remember the show Ghost Writer?) She’s looking out for us, folks. And by the way, if it is unpresidential to shoot polar bears out of a helicopter, we don’t want to be Americans.  Fuck polar bears!  They are nature’s collar popping douchebags. Furthermore, it’s high time that we had a president with sexy legs.  The last president with killer gams was Millard Fillmore and he presided over granting territorial status to New Mexico.  I think we all thank our lucky stars for that one every day.  The point is that Sarah Palin is amazing and there is no more qualified person for president in 2012.  We can’t see Russia from where we live.  Think about it.

Two drunken Polar Bear a-holes outside of the Friar Tuck's Frat Bar and Douchebag Hut

Submit your questions to: stupidtimemachine@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

LAST CHANCE: Thanks to everyone who came out for “Love in the Time of Swine Flu” this weekend. “Love in the Time of Swine Flu” had sellout crowds on Thursday and Friday and were standing room only on Saturday. We had to turn 30 people away at the door.  So….we are announcing a special encore performance that will take place TONIGHT at 8pm. If you didn’t see it or want to see it again, this will be your chance. We start at 8pm at La Nuit Theater (5039 Freret St.) www.nolacomedy.com

BONUS: If you buy a ticket to the show, you get to stick around for Comedy Lives! at 9:15. Comedy Lives! features two of La Nuit’s finest long form improv teams putting on a one hour improvised comedy show. Many of the performers in Stupid Time Machine will also be performing in Comedy Lives! Two for one shows and drink specials at the Box Office Bar next door.

Hope to see you all there. Tell your friends.

www.stupidtimemachine.com

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

“Stupid Time Machine presents Love in the Time of Swine Flu” debuted this weekend to HUGE crowds.  On Saturday night, we performed to a sold out, standing room only crowd and had to turn away thirty people.  This makes us a combination of happy and sad which in turn left us confused.  Here is our solution.  Since so many people requested another show, we have listened to the people.  On Thursday night at 8pm, Stupid Time Machine presents Love in the Time of Swine Flu: The Encore Show at La Nuit.  If you haven’t seen the show, want to see it again, or you just want to see the pretty lights that shine on the stage, Thursday night at 8pm is your lucky night.

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

Hello new people!  The site is seeing increased traffic since “Love in the Time of Swine Flu”.  This is our blog that is full of knowledgeable articles, videos, links, and plugs for our shows.  We promise that you will be a better and wiser person for having explored the site.

To gear up for coming to see our Friday (7pm) and Saturday (7pm) performances of  “Love in the Time of Swine Flu”, here are the links to just a few of our favorite articles/contributions to society.  Enjoy.

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/beware-the-unmarked-ice-cream-truck/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/happy-halloween-costume-tips/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/weekly-q-a/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/tuesday-tribute-sort-of-to-an-american-hero/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/148/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/beware-this-public-speaker/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/103/

http://stupidtimemachine.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/tuesday-tribute-to-an-american-hero/

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

Last night, Stupid Time Machine debuted “Love in the Time of Swine Flu” to a sold out, standing room only crowd at La Nuit.  We are clearly the favorites to win the coveted “Best Show That Doesn’t Involve A Cowboy” award.  Such an award doesn’t exist, but we can dream.  Anyhow, night two begins at 7pm at La Nuit Theater at 5039 Freret St.  If you didn’t catch last nights show, come out tonight to see why one group of people called us “the buzz of the Fringe Festival”.  In the interest of full disclosure, that group of people was our reflection in the mirror.  It still counts!

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

Tonight is the night that we kick off “Stupid Time Machine presents Love in the Time of Swine Flu“.  Come one, come all.

Love in the Time of Swine Flu: A comedy about sex, dating, and everything else terrifying

So many things to fear these days: STD’s, online stalkers, vampires and their ruthless cousins – Wall Street bankers. Blending live sketch, video, and song, La Nuit Theater’s newest sketch comedy ensemble, Stupid Time Machine, has written a show that takes our deepest fears, de-pantses them (right in the middle of the cafeteria), and laughs heartily in their faces. Join in on this satirical romp through a recession-soaked world where anything – hell, everything – can kill you.

La Nuit Theater 5039 Freret St.

Thurs, Nov 12th: 9:00p
Fri, Nov 13th: 7:00p
Sat, Nov 14th: 7:00p

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy

There is plenty more where that came from.

Stupid Time Machine presents Love in the Time of Swine Flu

La Nuit Theater

Thursday 9pm

Friday 7pm

Saturday 8pm

www.twitter.com/STMcomedy