Dear Stupid Time Machine, why do you hate the Red Cross so much? Josh from Yonkers, NY
Dear Josh,we don’t just hate the Red Cross. We like to think of the Red Cross as the bane of our existence. Have you ever seen those people from the Red Cross? They are always ringing their racist bells and trying to harass you to donate to their extremist cause. Sorry, buddy, but if your cause is racism, than we are not interested. It makes us sick. And then you tell us that your God will bless us. Bless us with what…..racism??? No thanks.
FOLLOW UP: We have since been informed that the Red Cross is an actual charity that indeed does a lot of good and is NOT racist. For future reference, the Red Cross is not to be confused with the White Cross: southern brotherhood of arian believers. The names sound similar. Our mistake. Red Cross, we owe you a lot of donations in exchange for the confused screams and punches that we delivered to your Santas in the name of racial equality. Sorry.
Dear Stupid Time Machine, I’m in sales and business is rough. How do I pull myself out of this rut and make some money? Kevin from Waco, TX
Dear Kevin, the most important thing to keep in mind is that you need to hustle. You can’t wait for the sales to walk right up to you. Here’s an example. We know a guy in sales named Randy. He is the biggest hustler of business that you will ever meet. He is known around town as Johnny The Proactive Prostitute. He doesn’t just go around looking for “parties”. He creates the “parties” by offering “johns” quality deals. Be creative with your sex sales. Johnny offers many erotic “sales”, fellatio “coupons”, and something called stache “savers”. We are not interested in his services, but we can say that he offers some really great deals. He is the epitome of sex trade capitalism. So, sir, take a lesson from Johnny. It doesn’t matter if it’s male prostitution, telemarketing, or male prostitution. The point is that sales are sales. It’s all about the hustle.
Dear Stupid Time Machine, Sarah Palin is all over TV with her book tour. Do you think that she has a good shot to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012? Samantha from Portland, OR
Dear Samantha, we are so sick of the liberal media tearing her apart. Listen up, America! We don’t want our president to be able to readily name the books that they’ve read. What if her favorite books are R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps series? Will there be a run on Goosebumps titles at bookstores and cause the entire nation to be left terrified? (Remember the one with the talking dummy? Aaaagggghhhh! Also, remember the show Ghost Writer?) She’s looking out for us, folks. And by the way, if it is unpresidential to shoot polar bears out of a helicopter, we don’t want to be Americans. Fuck polar bears! They are nature’s collar popping douchebags. Furthermore, it’s high time that we had a president with sexy legs. The last president with killer gams was Millard Fillmore and he presided over granting territorial status to New Mexico. I think we all thank our lucky stars for that one every day. The point is that Sarah Palin is amazing and there is no more qualified person for president in 2012. We can’t see Russia from where we live. Think about it.
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