Monday, January 8th 2010
Attention all employees of StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies, inc.:
As many of you know, at the fall company picnic, held towards the beginning of the football season, I made an ill-advised, but very public bet with new 12-year-old step-son, Ryan. Now, pursuant to that bet, I must make the following announcement to all members of the company:
I, Herbert P. Chanders, President of this fine organization and veteran orthopedic supply salesman of 22 years, am a dick face. I must also inform you that I love to shit in my pants and eat it. I do it everyday. Let it be known that I am little girl who wears little girl underwear and diapers (because of all the shitting.) Furthermore, I am stupid. Despite my Ivy League education, my brain is filled with turds because I TOTALLY LOVE to munch crap sandwiches. I wouldn’t even know the difference between a Softform 11 Lumbar Support and a Bioform Back Support with Lumbar Stays if it hit me in the vagina that I have even though I am a man. In fact, the only way I was able to make our company the leading clinical and commercial orthopedic product supplier in the greater Minneapolis region was by making a deal with a Genie in which I agreed to drink the Genie’s pee and let him do a bunch of gay stuff on me. Please be aware that the Colts are the worst team on earth, and anyone who ever said that the New Orleans Saints could “never win the Superbowl” deserves to slurp rotten week-old farts from a dirty old Genie’s butthole and let the entire company look at his tiny boner. The Saints are the best team ever. They are much better than any stupid step-father who knows nothing about being a cool dad or running a stupid company. GO SAINTS FOREVER! Lastly, if you see me around the office, please kick me in my penis.
That said, I wish to make it clear that StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies does not in any way condone betting or gambling on sporting events, or any other event for that matter. I trust that you will appreciate the confidentiality of this memo and permanently delete it from your inbox immediately. With that behind us, I wish you all a productive sales week as we round out this quarter, and I look forward to discussing the details of the Medilab Solutions partnership with all of you at the next quarterly sales meeting in March.
Herbert P. Chanders
President and CEO
StepRight Orthopedic Medical Supplies
715 South 8th Street
Minneapolis, MN 55404
StepRight: Taking the right steps for your orthopedic health