Category Archives: STM News

Just Plane Fun (Thanksgiving Edition)

 

With the holiday travel season approaching, many of us anxiously await those dreaded travel days filled with impossibly long airport lines, invasive pat downs, exorbitant airline fees, and so much else that has stolen the joy from the flying experience.  In an effort to brighten up the many hours wasted in transit, we bring you this edition of

JUST PLANE FUN  

When on airplane, here are some fun things you can do to make your fellow passengers…

1.) …Terrified

After the plane reaches a comfortable cruising altitude and the peanuts/pretzels have been handed out, stand up from your seat suddenly.  With a shriek, hold your backpack over your head.  While nervously fumbling with the zipper to open the bag, proclaim “attention infidels, prepare to die.”


  • Variation:
    Continue the sentence, “prepare to die…of laughter.”  At this point, produce from your bag a pair of comically large novelty glasses. Put them on and stumble about the cabin, groping the air in front of you as if you cannot see well in these glasses.  The audience will quickly come to love this and may even begin chiming in “it’s the glasses; take off the glasses; they are too big for you.”  Also you won’t get arrested.

2.) …Uncomfortable   

After the plane has reached a comfortable cruising altitude and the cabin has grown incredibly quiet, pull your legs up to your chest so that you are bunched into the fetal position in your seat.  Turning away from the neighboring passengers in your row (preferably towards the window) announce in a soft quivering voice just loud enough be clearly audible in the silence of the cabin: “I’m going to cum.”  Then maintain 100% eye contact with anyone who turns to look at you.


  • Variation:
    Add a hooded sweatshirt

3.) …Excited

After the plane has reached a comfortable cruising altitude and the passengers have enjoyed their complementary in-flight beverage service, stand up suddenly in the main aisle of the plane.  In one grand motion, throw into the air a handful of one-dollar-bills that you have taken from your wallet, and in your best game-show-announcer voice, declare, “ladies and gentlemen, welcome to money plane!!” (be sure to stretch out the vowel sound in the last word so it is more like “plaaaaaaaane”)  Then sit down.  While people may be confused about what is happening, they are guaranteed to be excited.  It is the confusion itself that will excite them the most.  “Am I going to get money on this plane?  Is the plane made of money?  Whatever it is, I love it!!”


  • Variation:
    After throwing the money into the air and making your announcement, remain in the isle and begin to clap.
    Continue clapping until 70-85 percent of the other passengers are clapping.
    Then put on the glasses. 

Enjoy your flight.

Love,

Stupid Time Machine

STM News: Obama Compromises Again


Obama Caves, Lets Dog Sleep in Bed

Despite his long-held and frequently articulated position that it would “never happen in a million years,” President Obama reached a compromise late last night, allowing the family dog, Bo, to climb into bed with him and the First Lady.  After a long night spent whimpering on the cold floor and begging at the side of the bed, Mr. Obama got up, threw some clothes on, and stumbled into work “visibly exhausted” and muttering incomprehensibly to himself.

Already, the President’s decision is being panned by house democrats as “major backsliding” on Bo-related issues.  Even some within his administration fear that this move threatens to “seriously diminish” the President’s authority in the eyes of his family and the rest of the nation.  In response, the President assured his constituents that “this deal was not reached easily or hastily.”  It was, as the President describes, “a compromise reached methodically and carefully,” where both he and Bo were required to make certain “important and mutual concessions.”  As to the nature of those concessions, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs explains that the President gave up his position in bed only on the condition that Bo the dog “stop all that fucking whimpering.”   Officially, the Obama administration attributes the President’s unprecedented retreat to “a number of complicated factors not readily known by the public.”  These factors include mounting pressure from Sasha and Malia to “be nicer to Bo,” an uninterrupted 10 minutes of yelping from Bo himself, and “that look” from his wife, Michelle.

Intending to set the record straight, President Obama called an urgent family meeting around the breakfast table early this morning.  “If you think that type of funny business is going to happen again,” he cautioned, “you are wrong.  You hear me?” Though the President followed this statement with a number of other cogent arguments, much of his address was reportedly drowned out by the overpowering sound of Bo clomping around the kitchen wearing the President’s shoes, and leaping up onto the kitchen table where he noisily devoured the President’s chipotle-cheese breakfast sandwich.

According to White House sources, the President “really lost it” towards the conclusion of the meeting, when the First Lady informed him of Jenny Teracanno’s birthday sleepover that daughters Sasha and Malia were planning on attending Thursday.   “That’s it,” declared Obama, “I’m putting my foot down. First of all,  I knew nothing about this sleepover, second, I have never met Jenny Terracano’s parents, and third, such a sleepover goes directly against my policy prohibiting sleepovers on weeknights.”  When asked how he intended to resolve the issue, the President responded by saying “I am the head of this household and the leader of the free world.  If I don’t want you to go to this sleepover, then we have no choice but to talk it out and see if we can reach a compromise.”  With this, the girls smiled and exchanged a quiet high-five beneath the table.  Meanwhile, atop the table, Bo the dog, now full of cheese and spicy breakfast sausage, relieved himself into a heaping pungent mess that, despite its seemingly insurmountable size, the President would have to clean up on his own.

Cyber-Monday not at all what it sounded like

Nation’s pervs disappointed; Cyber Monday not at all what it sounded like

Perverts everywhere were left disheartened and misled this week as the much-anticipated Cyber Monday proved to be nothing at all what it sounded like.  Totally unaware of Cyber Monday’s reputation as a day of online holiday shopping, thousands of 40-65 year-old men and women came online Monday in search of discreet online sexual encounters.  Instead, they found nothing but unprecedented discounts on blenders and 50-inch plasma televisions.

“It was like waking up Christmas morning to see that there are no presents under the tree” commented SexGuy1951.   A frequent user and the newly appointed webmaster of the “Paws and Claws” geocities chat room, SexGuy1951 continued “except instead of a tree without presents, you find yourself staring at a chat room devoid of users willing to watch you pour lumpy fudge onto your face and chest via video chat.”

“Its a disappointing day for all of us in the perv community” says Hotblonde19.   A slightly overweight and rapidly balding man in his late fifties, Hotblonde19 continues, “we expected Cyber-Monday to bring a fresh batch of users, hot and ready for action…but all we got was the same old run-of-the-mill dirty boys.”  Turning on one of the many lava lamps in his workshop/mother’s furnished basement/pimpcave, Hotblonde19 confesses, “There’s nothing that I hate more than cybering with someone I believe to be a hot busty blonde co-ed, only to realize 20 minutes in that ‘she’ is actually just another slightly overweight rapidly-balding man in his late fifties.”

Thomas McConnel, a shipping manager at Stepright Orthopedic Suppliers, was one of the many who fell victim to what is now being termed the Cyber-Monday Perv Fiasco.   “I made myself vulnerable, and now I am so ashamed,” says McConnel after allegedly messaging a number of coworkers – each of whom refused to supply him with their age, sex, or location.  Putting things into perspective, McConnel reminds himself that the embarrassment he feels this week is nothing compared to the shame and horror that he experienced after tragically misinterpreting last week’s shopping holiday, Black Friday.

Was New Orleans Water Plant Intentionally Sabotaged?

New Orleans drinking water safely restored; villain warns “you haven’t seen the last of the Penguin”

An investigation by the New Orleans Sewage and Water Board has revealed that the crisis that shut down the city’s drinking water supply last weekend, was, as many suspected, the work of the criminal mastermind the Penguin.  Late Friday night the city’s main water purification plant on South Claiborne Ave experienced an unexplained power outage, plummeting the city’s water pressure to dangerously low levels.  In response, the city’s residents and visitors were ordered to boil their water to kill any bacteria that may have found its way into the city’s pipes.

While initially a mystery, the cause of the plant’s power failure became clear as soon as investigators arrived on the scene.  According to Water Board spokesman Todd Goodman, the response team found the main control room of the South Claiborne purification plant “littered” with the carcasses of half-eaten fish and dozens of poorly-drawn derogatory pictures of what appears to be Batman.  Holding them up in sealed police evidence bags, Goodman commented “these are the disgusting remnants that we have come to know all too well as evidence that the Penguin is trying to poison our water supply again.”

Speaking before a group of reporters gathered in his filthy underground sewer lair, the Penguin commented “soon the city will be mine…all mine!!”  When asked for further comment, the Penguin remarked “with my mind control bacteria now flowing in the drinking water, it is only a matter of time before everyone in the city knows what it is like to live as I do…what it is like to be a penguin!!”  When reminded that he is not in fact an actual penguin, but simply a disgustingly unattractive man who chooses to live in the sewer and surround himself with penguins, he merely cackled, took a drag from long cigarette and announced “you’re too late, Batman.  Its already begun!!”

According to S&WB General Superintendent Greg Beckley, the Penguin’s “mind control bacteria,” a substance largely consisting of mold stored up in a number of decaying take out containers, poses “absolutely no threat to public health.”  Beckley reassured concerned citizens that as soon as it was introduced into the water supply, Penguin’s  “mind control bacteria” was immediately neutralized and devoured by the exceptionally high levels of bacteria already present in the New Orleans drinking water.

STM News: Notes from the Recession (Candy Crisis)

Amid pedophile shortage, local stores struggle to unload post-Halloween candy surplus


“They certainly don’t make ‘em like they used to,” says shop owner Gary Daniels.   A cheerful and slightly graying man of 74, Daniels is owner of the Daniels’ Family Sweet Shop.  Surveying his shelves sagging under the weight of dusty un-purchased bulk bags of fun-size Snickers and Milkyway Bars, Daniels wistfully recalls the days when the quaint little long-island town of Northport, New York was literally “over-run” with candy-loving pedophiles.  “Those were the days,” Daniels recalls, “believe it or not, we used to deliberately over-stock the amount of candy we bought.  We felt absolutely secure knowing that whatever didn’t sell by Halloween, would quickly be scooped up faster than you can say ‘sir, why do you need so much candy?’.”

Now-a-days, however, in the face of an economy still hobbling out of a recession, and the stringent enforcement of Suffolk County’s sex offender registration laws, the candy market, like the region’s market for trench coats, sea-shell collections, and windowless vans, has been pushed almost out of business.

“Though their practices caused irreparable damage to our community,” Daniels remarks “they were still our loyal customers.  And we miss their business now more than ever.”  Sweeping a shelf of expired Candy Corn into a garbage can, Daniels pauses for a moment, cradling a bag thoughtfully in his hands.  With a sentimental tear forming in his eye, still lost somewhere in a happy memory of better economic times, Daniels chuckles to himself “you know, if there was one thing those guys couldn’t get enough of, it was our delicious variety of Candy Corn…oh, and also touching children.  They were really into that too.”

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