The Stupid Time Machine Costume Review (Children’s Edition)
As we enjoy the delicate golden turning of the leaves, the familiar sight of flickering jack-o-lanterns placed upon the stoop, and the sweet spiced smell of pumpkin pie wafting through the windows, it is clear that Halloween season is again upon us. If you are like us, your enjoyment of these October wonders is slightly interrupted by the nagging fear you have: soon the children will be upon us, ruining the entire season with their terrible costumes. Dear parents, after hitting up the costume shops, we have put together the following Halloween costume review for you and your last-minute shopping needs. If you are into ruining Halloween for everyone, please consider buying or making these costumes for your child:
Thomas the Tank what?
We’re sorry. We are confused. Are you supposed to be dressed up as a train? Or a train conductor? Or, God help us, are you trying to dress up like both at the same time? You asshole. In the event that you are a trying to be a conductor, We applaud your thoroughly unrealistic costume choice. There is no way we would trust a child as a conductor of a train. Why’s that? Because you haven’t had enough experience to competently operate a complex piece of machinery, no matter how small it is. We don’t care HOW cool the train looks from the back, we are still not riding with you.
Dora the unconvincing
Nice try cute little girl, but here’s the thing: Dora is a cartoon. You are a real girl who looks nothing like the wonderful animated character we have come to love. The only thing cartoony about you is that adorable backpack. Other than this, we cannot figure out which makes me more upset, the Milly Vanilli wig or your 1995 JC penny pose.
Soldier of Smiles
As the conflict in Afghanistan and Iraq escalate, the government, in collaboration with costume sites on the internet, have been producing these costumes by the truckload. According to General Petraeus this is “sort of a back up plan” in case we “run out of men 18-25”. In the mean time, it provides a concept for what Petraeus describes as “one of those hilarious talking baby movies: Baby Army”
Throw you into the Wall-e
October 30th mother and son discussion:
Mother: Oh my God! Son, what happened?
Son: The 5th graders saw my costume and beat me up at recess.
Mother: They didn’t like the costume? They didn’t understand that you are supposed to be an adorable robot?
Son: No, they said I looked like a nerd wearing a trashcan. Then they started to laugh and push me around. Then Drew Thompson stuffed me in the trashcan by the gym and yelled, “everyone look at the nerd wearing the trashcan wearing the trashcan!”
Mother: They didn’t enjoy your adorable robot legs?
Son: They enjoyed them. And by that, I mean they ripped them off.
Here, we’d like to make a snarky joke. Except there is no joke to be made. This is seriously a terrorist/ para military costume for a child. Why are terrorists always so buff?
The only comfort we take is in knowing that at least there is a force out there who can stop him. Baby Army, we call upon you.