Obama Caves, Lets Dog Sleep in Bed
Despite his long-held and frequently articulated position that it would “never happen in a million years,” President Obama reached a compromise late last night, allowing the family dog, Bo, to climb into bed with him and the First Lady. After a long night spent whimpering on the cold floor and begging at the side of the bed, Mr. Obama got up, threw some clothes on, and stumbled into work “visibly exhausted” and muttering incomprehensibly to himself.
Already, the President’s decision is being panned by house democrats as “major backsliding” on Bo-related issues. Even some within his administration fear that this move threatens to “seriously diminish” the President’s authority in the eyes of his family and the rest of the nation. In response, the President assured his constituents that “this deal was not reached easily or hastily.” It was, as the President describes, “a compromise reached methodically and carefully,” where both he and Bo were required to make certain “important and mutual concessions.” As to the nature of those concessions, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs explains that the President gave up his position in bed only on the condition that Bo the dog “stop all that fucking whimpering.” Officially, the Obama administration attributes the President’s unprecedented retreat to “a number of complicated factors not readily known by the public.” These factors include mounting pressure from Sasha and Malia to “be nicer to Bo,” an uninterrupted 10 minutes of yelping from Bo himself, and “that look” from his wife, Michelle.
Intending to set the record straight, President Obama called an urgent family meeting around the breakfast table early this morning. “If you think that type of funny business is going to happen again,” he cautioned, “you are wrong. You hear me?” Though the President followed this statement with a number of other cogent arguments, much of his address was reportedly drowned out by the overpowering sound of Bo clomping around the kitchen wearing the President’s shoes, and leaping up onto the kitchen table where he noisily devoured the President’s chipotle-cheese breakfast sandwich.
According to White House sources, the President “really lost it” towards the conclusion of the meeting, when the First Lady informed him of Jenny Teracanno’s birthday sleepover that daughters Sasha and Malia were planning on attending Thursday. “That’s it,” declared Obama, “I’m putting my foot down. First of all, I knew nothing about this sleepover, second, I have never met Jenny Terracano’s parents, and third, such a sleepover goes directly against my policy prohibiting sleepovers on weeknights.” When asked how he intended to resolve the issue, the President responded by saying “I am the head of this household and the leader of the free world. If I don’t want you to go to this sleepover, then we have no choice but to talk it out and see if we can reach a compromise.” With this, the girls smiled and exchanged a quiet high-five beneath the table. Meanwhile, atop the table, Bo the dog, now full of cheese and spicy breakfast sausage, relieved himself into a heaping pungent mess that, despite its seemingly insurmountable size, the President would have to clean up on his own.